Your outburst of violence…
Someone living a shame filled life needs to hear this: It is not a “thus says the Lord” wordy thing, but it came to me in prayer. It may be for you.
Violence happens even in the most intimate of relationships, even relationships between Christians who deeply love one another. Often it is the violence of words. Sometimes it can become physical. There is someone, deeply ashamed, who needs to hear this: “You are not the only one.”
It is good to ask the question, “Why did I lash out?”
I guess there can be all sorts of answers to that. The one that seemed to present itself to me as I pursued my thinking was “loneliness.” Each of us are unique. Somewhere in Henri Nouwen’s writings he says that the flip side of this uniqueness is aloneness. That aloneness can only find its covering, or allow itself to be naked in the presence of the God who calls each unique person “Beloved.” In that place we can treasure and accept our own uniqueness and belovedness and begin to see the uniqueness and belovedness of others. In other words our aloneness has become transformed into fruitful solitude which leads to healthy relationships, intimacy and communion with others. We accept ourselves and others as is. We are able to receive as a gift what others can give rather than get angry at what they have not given us.
However aloneness can become loneliness, which then has the potential to become violent when others do not seem to give me the affirmation I need in order to feel secure and valued.
Bottom line: no one person can give us the depth of affirmation that only God can give.
Don’t let shame about your violence stop you coming into the presence of God. It is where you need to be: to hear the word “Beloved.” Be at rest there, or sooner or later the violence will erupt again.
This may help someone who reads it. It may help others to understand someone whose behaviour mystifies us now and then.